


Wish me Luck as you Wave Goodbye

by Daretodream66



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Bucky Barnes, Idiots in Love, M/M, Minor Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Pining, Service Dogs, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:00:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23287414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daretodream66/pseuds/Daretodream66
Summary: On Steve and Sharon's wedding day, Bucky lets a secret out.  Steve gets lost in bottle after bottle of Asgardian Mead and loses Bucky.  Tony decides to fix this shit, but it doesn't go exactly how he plans it.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 11
Kudos: 165





	Wish me Luck as you Wave Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going with the idea that Asgardian Mean gets Steve buzzed and drunk. I'm also thinking about Thor and how he drowned himself after losing himself, so he would understand Steve's need to not feel for a little while. Don't blame Thor, he's just trying to help.
> 
> I'm posting a lot lately because I'm a teacher and I'm quarantined at home. I figured if I'm going to be stuck here, I might as well go back through all these unfinished stories and finish them.

“I walked away from you because I had to, Steve!” It started simple enough. Steve was adjusting his tie in the mirror and Bucky was trying to act like it doesn’t bother him. Steve kept saying things, things that felt like a slap in the face to Bucky. He knows that Steve doesn’t mean them the way he’s taking them, but Bucky can’t help his reaction. The ex-assassin didn’t mean to let it get to him. He didn’t mean to open his mouth and have those words come out. But Steve laughingly talking about having to chase Bucky all over the world, dragging the man back home, and the fact that Bucky was watching him put on a tux for this ‘special occasion’ was just too much.

Steve turns, surprised at the outburst. He’d asked a simple question and Bucky had gone from a calm appearance to this. Now, Steve honestly doesn’t know what’s happening. “Why? I don’t understand. Make me understand, Buck.” He’s facing Bucky now and sees the annoyance, frustration, and something that he can’t name.

Bucky runs his hands through his hair, messing up all the time he’d spent earlier fixing it. “Because!” He’s pacing now and Steve watches as he works himself into a frenzy. “I’m in love with you and today I have to stand there like a good friend and watch you marry someone else!” He turns, headed for the door. Hand on the knob, he whispers, “Why didn’t you just let me stay gone?”

Steve stands dumbstruck at the confession until there’s a knock on the door. He doesn’t answer, but it opens anyway. Sam sees the look and comes to Steve, hand on his shoulder, ducking his head to look into Steve’s red, rimmed eyes. “What’s going on?”

Steve tries to get the words out, but the only thing he can manage is, “Bucky…”

Sam releases his shoulder, turns to face the door and sighs. “He told you.” It’s not a question because Sam doesn’t need an answer.

Steve’s eyes shoot up. “You knew?”

Sam has the decency to look guilty, but also meets Steve’s eyes unwaveringly. “Yeah man, I knew.”

“How long, Sam?” Steve squares his shoulders looking all of the Captain America he used to be.

“I’ve known since Wakanda when you got us out of the Raft. He never came out and said it, but I saw the way he looked at you. It was pretty obvious.” Sam goes to the door. “I’m going to go find him and get the ring. I’ll give it to Tony and he can play the part of Best Man today. You can’t expect Barnes to.” Sam doesn’t know what else to do and he wants to know why today, of all days, Bucky would finally cave and tell Steve the truth. But he also knows his new friend and there’s no way that Barnes did this unless something happened to provoke him.

Sam doesn’t give Steve time to say anything else. The door clicks closed and Steve goes to the window. How’s he supposed to do this without his best friend standing next to him? How’s he supposed to do this at all now that he knows? He’s been so careful through this courtship. He’s made sure he stayed focused on Sharon. He’s made sure he didn’t let his eyes linger on Bucky too long in any situation. He’s made sure to lock away things he couldn’t have.

He sees Sam running across the parking lot and shifts positions. Bucky is at the edge of the lot, smoking. Sam stops a few feet away and says something. Bucky turns, posture sagging. He starts talking to Sam, probably explaining how all this came out at the worst time possible. Sam steps forward and Bucky falls into his arms. Steve watches his best friend, his constant companion, his foundation crumble. He doesn’t realize it, but tears cascade down his face.

It’s been three months since that day in September and Steve hasn’t seen Bucky since. He’s tried to ask Sam on occasion where the other man is, but stops himself knowing that Bucky doesn’t want to see him. The wedding ended in disaster and it’s all Steve’s fault. If not for Tony, things would have been so much worse. Tony, being who he is, was able to charm the guests. The only one he couldn’t charm was Sharon, who, to this day, won’t even look at Steve and refuses to even be in the same building with him.

Steve could have gone through with it. He could have, maybe, been happy at some point. That’s what he tries to tell himself anyway. Deep down, in the recesses of his black heart, he knows that isn’t true. Hell, he’s not sure that if he’d gone through with it, he would have ever been really happy, but he would have tried to never let her see. And doing that to Sharon would have discredited the goodness that he sees in her. 

So, two weeks before Christmas, he sits in his apartment: no tree, no gifts, no Christmas cheer to be seen. There’s been a hell of a lot of Asgardian mead though. Steve spends most of his time buzzed or drunk from the stuff. When he starts to feel like it’s wearing off, he just drinks more. A few have come by to see him and tried to talk him down. Most, not even Tony, know why Steve called off the wedding. Natasha tried to get him to tell her, even tried to strong arm him, but he’d thrown her out of the apartment and went back to the bottle. Thank god for Thor. The man just kept showing up with more bottles of mead, stating that he understands Steve’s position, not wanting to feel for a little while.

Late in the evening, Steve puts on his coat and starts walking. He thinks, but can’t be sure, that someone is following him. He’s still buzzed from the mead and stops to lean against a light pole. He knows that it will start to wear off soon because his metabolism burns through it too quick.

Before he knows it, he’s standing in front of Saint Augustine’s. Staring up at the door he pulls his coat tighter around him and staggers up the steps. Inside is warm, but Steve feels out of place. Dipping his fingers in the holy water, he crosses himself and heads to a pew.

He stares up at the stained glass for a long while until a throat clears near him. Looking up, he finds a pair of kind eyes smiling at him. Steve starts to stand, but sways and the priest waves him to sit. “What can I do for you, Captain?”

Steve hangs his head. “I wouldn’t know where to start.”

The priest sits in the pew in front of Steve and turns to face him. “Wherever you want. I have all the time in the world for someone that looks as defeated as you.”

They sit in silence for a while longer and when the sob chokes out of Steve’s throat, the priest gets up, moving next to him and offering a hug. Steve falls into his arms weeping in a way that he hasn’t since Bucky ‘died.’ Gathering his wits, he wipes the tears away. “I think I have a big problem and I’m not sure I should talk about it here.”

The priest offers his hand. “I’m Father Michael Doolan and anything you say here is safe.” Steve bobs his head without looking up. “Steven, may I call you Steven?” Steve nods. “Steven, if you can’t talk about it here then why did you come? Moreover, why didn’t you talk to one of your many friends?” Steve looks up imploring. “Just say it, whatever it is.”

“I think I’m gay and I’m in love with my best friend.” The words come tumbling out of his mouth before Steve has the chance to think. He realizes that he’s said it inside a Catholic church and jumps to his feet. “Forgive me Father, I should go.”

He doesn’t make it out of the pew before he’s being grabbed. “Steven, I know you think I’m going to throw you out because the Catholic Church doesn’t condone that lifestyle, but some of us aren’t that backward.”

Steve’s surprised and cautiously sits again. “I don’t think I realized it until…” He leaves off what he was going to say.

“Until you walked down the aisle to someone that wasn’t your best friend?” Steve nods again. “Yes well, at least you realized it before saying ‘I do.’ That would have been a lot messier.” Steve gives a half-hearted chuckle. “So, why are you here and not talking to your friends?”

Steve looks up at the altar. “I don’t really know. They all want answers about that day and I don’t know what to say to them.”

“Well, it seems the truth would be a good place to start.” He reaches over, patting Steve’s hand. “It seems to me if they keep asking, they must care about you and just want you to be okay.”

“I don’t know that I can be okay. He told me how he felt and I haven’t seen him since.” Tears make a lazy path down Steve’s cheeks again.

Father Mike looks up at the beautiful windows adorning the walls of the church. “Steven, sometimes life isn’t what we thought it would be. I suppose that’s more true for you than anyone I’ve ever met. But we have to keep moving forward and trust that maybe things do happen for reasons we don’t see. Oh, I’m sure we can’t say that everything happens for a reason, but some things do. There’s a reason that you didn’t walk down that aisle and there’s a reason why you’re sitting here now. I would be willing to bet that your friend isn’t in any better shape than you are.”

Steve hadn’t thought about what Bucky might be going through and it turns his stomach that he’s gotten so caught up in his own feelings, drowning his sorrows in a bottle, that he overlooked taking care of a man that took care of him for so many years. “I pushed him that day. I kept talking about all the stuff he did for me, still does for me, and he got angry and let it slip. He didn’t mean for me to ever know. He meant for me to get married and be happy without him.”

Father Mike clasps his hands in his lap, smiling. “It sounds to me like he’s quite a man. Willing to sacrifice his own happiness for yours.” Steve follows his line of sight to the statue of the Virgin Mary. “The sacrifices we are willing to make tell a lot about a person’s character.”

Steve stares at the statue. “He’s the best man I’ve ever known even with everything he’s been through.”

“It sounds to me like you need to find your friend and rebuild a relationship.” He reaches out taking Steve’s hands. “Start with the friendship and see where that goes.”

They talk for a while longer and as Steve heads home in the cold night air, it’s the first time he’s been completely sober in months. And through his sobriety he knows for sure that he’s being followed.

Tony doesn’t mean to overstep his boundaries with Steve, but something happened that day and if what he sees daily on the drones keeping watch, Steve’s been on a bender like nothing Tony has ever seen. That’s saying a lot considering Tony’s younger days. Whatever happened that caused Barnes to leave the church and Steve to call off the wedding, it was bigger than Tony’s anger at the ex-assassin. Making the trek to Vermont to see the Winter Solder isn’t what he wants to spend his time doing, but someone has to talk some sense into Steve and the man isn’t listening to anyone else.

The _cabin_ is not at all what Tony envisioned. First, it’s huge with two other buildings. Second, it’s beautiful and just the type of place he would choose if he wanted to disappear. Third, it’s exactly the kind of place that Pepper would fawn over. But most importantly, it looks homey and well loved. He knew that Barnes bought the place when he first came back and he only knows that because he did some serious digging. He also knows that no one else knows about this place because he also checked that. The only one that might know is Natasha and she’s never said anything. Barnes meant to disappear at some point and this place is his refuge.

As he parks the car, two large dogs come running, but as they get to the car they sit patiently waiting for Tony to get out. When he exits the car, he does so with his gauntlet charged, just in case, but the dogs just whine and then roll over for belly rubs. “So, not guard dogs then.”

The voice behind him startles Iron Man. “No, they aren’t for guarding, they’re for company.”

Barnes looks the part of a sexy, catwalk lumberjack and Tony can’t help but grin. His hair is tied back at the nap of his neck, his beard is just that, a beard and not scruff, and he’s in faded jeans, hiking boots and a flannel over a thermal top. “When did you even get these? I mean, you were in the city most of the time.”

The dogs jump up and run to Bucky. He reaches down, petting both. “I got them when I decided to stay here permanently.” He walks towards the cabin. “I guess since you’re here, you should come in and warm up. I’ve got coffee on.”

Tony follows, watching how the man moves with an easy gate, unfamiliar to the billionaire. It’s a man who is right where he wants to be and has no expectations of the outside world. “I’m particular about my coffee. I have to be, since I survive on it.”

“Shut up, Stark and get in the house.” There was a time that Tony knew that Barnes expected an attack, but this man doesn’t seem to believe he’s in any danger. Or…he just doesn’t care anymore.

Inside, Tony has to admit that he catches his breath at how truly beautiful everything is. It’s comfortable with a warm fire glowing in the fireplace. The walls seem to be a mixture of brick and wood beams. The colors are deep blues and greens with pale beige and whites to accent. The furniture is nice, but also chosen for comfort. The thing that confuses the shorter man is…well…everything. Everything about this doesn’t fit. “This is surprising.”

Barnes comes out of the kitchen carrying two mugs. “What? Did you think you’d walk into an arsenal?”

Tony takes a sip of coffee again surprised at how good it is. “Well, yeah. That’s kind of what I expected. Who decorated for you? Romanov?”

Bucky bursts with laughter and goes to sit next to the fire. Tony joins him, but stops in mid-sit at the man’s next words. “Not to stereotype myself, but being gay has its advantages and I’ve always had an eye for this kind of thing.”

Tony fully plops into the sofa. “Uh…”

Bucky looks over the rim of his mug. “You didn’t know.”

Although not a question, Tony answers anyway. “No…no I did not. Is there anything else that will shock me?”

Bucky’s watching him and Tony knows he’s trying to figure out what the genius knows. “That depends. Why are you here?”

Tony decides to play this game for a little while. “I came because Cap…Steve, has been living in a bottle for the last three months.”

Bucky snorts and reaches over the arm of the chair to pet one of the dogs. “Steve can’t even get drunk so there’s nothing to worry about, Stark.”

Tony leans forward, elbows on knees, rubbing his hands together after sitting the coffee on the table. “Well we all thought that was true, but it seems that alcohol from Asgard is the exception to that rule. He’s been drowning his sorrows in bottle after bottle since September.”

Bucky stops drinking and narrows his eyes at Tony to see if he can catch any deception. Getting up, he goes to the window. “That’s Sharon’s problem now, so again, I ask, why are you here?”

Tony cups his hand over his mouth in disbelief. “Holy shit, you don’t know. How could you not know? You two are inseparable.”

That causes a mirthless chuckle from Bucky. “Know what? There’s no tech here, Stark. Any tech that enters the property goes silent.” Tony pulls his phone out and finds it on blackout. “I’m as far off the grid as I can get.”

“You have a phone, don’t you?” Bucky shakes his head. “Roughing it is one thing, but that’s just being a cave man.” Tony taps a few times on his phone, but nothing happens. Barnes is better at tech than Tony thought. He’ll have to update the file when he gets back.

“I guess that just means if you shoot me, no one will ever know and you can be done with me.” The resignation in Bucky’s voice makes Tony stop.

“You say that like you expect me to.” He waits because the response will fill in the gaps that have been driving Tony crazy for months.

“It would be easier on everyone, wouldn’t it? No James Barnes to fuck up anyone else’s life.” He turns and Tony sees it. The man really wouldn’t care if Tony killed him right here, right now. “Just do me a favor and don’t leave the dogs. They’re good and decent. Take them with you when you go and find a good home for them. And feel free to use this place if you want.” Tony is actually speechless. “Oh, and tell Steve and Sharon I’m sorry.” He turns back to the window. “I probably caused all kinds of trouble between them when he told her what I did.”

“What the hell did you do?” It isn’t a demand, it’s Tony’s way of pleading. Bucky turns, arms crossed over his chest in a protective way. Shrugging, he tells Tony what happened that day at the church thinking that Steve didn’t share that with anyone except Sam. He’s still trying to protect Bucky from the others and their opinions of him.

Tony sits hard on the sofa when it’s all out. He says the only thing he can think of. “They didn’t get married. He called it off.”

Steve starts searching for Bucky the following day, well, after he spent the night cleaned up the apartment, throwing all of the bottles away, taking a shower, and sleeping for a few hours. He’s spent months not taking care of himself and getting lost in his own thoughts, but now he knows that he has to find his friend. He has to make Bucky understand why the situation with Sharon got as far as it did. He has to make his friend understand that, as bad as it sounds, he was holding on to Sharon because he couldn’t have what he wanted. He also has to make Bucky understand that he will not push for things that the brunette can’t give, but Steve just wants him in his life again.

Mostly, he has to make his friend understand that living in each other’s pockets the way they did, Steve always believed that Bucky knew how he felt and just wasn’t acknowledging it out of fear or maybe disgust.

The knock startles him and when he answers, he finds Sam and Nat staring wearily at him. They both take in his clean appearance and looking past him, see the cleaned apartment. He has a beard again, but he took the time to trim it this morning. They both smile. “Well, it looks like you finally pulled yourself out of the bottle.”

Steve heads into the kitchen, letting one of them close the door. “I guess I deserve that.”

Sam leans against the counter. “Yeah, you do man, but why this change?”

Steve pulls three mugs down and pours coffee. “Someone reminded me that I was being selfish.” He doesn’t want to go into his trip to the church, so he leaves it at that walking into the living room.

They sit in silence for a time while they watch Steve. Finally, Nat can’t keep quiet anymore. “Steve, I’ve asked Sam over and over what happened that day, but he won’t tell me.” 

Steve looks at Sam, who just shrugs. “Not my story.”

Nat elbows him. “Tell me what happened.” Steve tells her what happened when he was dressing. “How did you not know?” Steve blinks in confusion. “For god sakes Steve, all of us knew. He was so obvious about it.”

Steve stands, frustrated and angry at himself for not knowing. “Well I didn’t! We’d always been that way with each other.” In his frustration, he spills coffee on the floor. Going into the kitchen, he comes back with a towel.

Nat looks ashamed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

“Don’t apologize. I deserve it.” Steve carries the towel back to the kitchen, pouring himself more coffee. He stands by the window, with his back to them when he comes back.

“So why didn’t you marry her? I mean you love her and this shouldn’t have stopped you.” Sam has suspected why, but Nat doesn’t seem to get it, so he lets her ask the question to see if Steve will be honest.

“I didn’t love her. Not like that. I figured I could still try to be happy and maybe at some point I would love her like that.” He turns back expecting to see condemnation on their faces, but instead is met with sadness.

“Jesus Steve.” Nat gets up, coming across the room to stand in front of him. “Why would you do that to yourself?”

Lowering his face, he closes his eyes. “Because I couldn’t have what I really wanted.”

Sam knows how hard that was for Steve to say, but he’s proud of his friend. Nat takes the coffee cup from Steve’s hand, placing it on a side table and hugs him. Steve clings to her, grounding himself in someone that won’t judge him, won’t abandon him. She pulls away, wiping the tears from the man’s face and looks over her shoulder at Sam. “We need to fix this.”

Tony watches Barnes, silent, processing. When the silence goes on too long, the bigger of the two dogs, whines and goes to Bucky, leaning into his leg. The ex-assassin reaches down, rubbing the dog’s ear. “It’s alright Maxi. I’m alright.”

“Are you?” The man turns, red-rimmed eyes and nods at Tony. “Because if you’re not, it’s okay.”

Bucky looks quizzically at the billionaire. “Why are you being nice to me? I don’t deserve it and you know it.”

Tony has to really think about what he’s feeling and that isn’t something he likes to do. He examines his motivations for coming here, for having this conversation, and why, suddenly, it’s so important for this man to see past their history. His first instinct is to say he doesn’t know, but that would be a lie. It would be easy, yes, but a lie nonetheless. “I don’t like seeing my friends like this.”

“So you’re here to get me to go fix Steve when after three months it’s pretty obvious that the man doesn’t want to know where I am. He could have found me. You did. I feel safe in saying that Natasha knows where I am, so what makes you think I can do anything to better this situation?” The other dog comes over and suddenly Bucky is kneeling down, holding both of them close.

“They’re service dogs.” Tony doesn’t need conformation, he knows he’s right. That makes more sense and with so many past issues, having two dogs is reasonable. Bucky doesn’t answer because he knows that he doesn’t have to. “I came to you because you’re his oldest friend.”

“Yeah, but I’m not his best friend. For that you’d have to look to Wilson, or Nat, or even you. I’m not anything to him anymore.” He pets the dogs and stands. “Guess that’s karma for you. Can’t do the things I’ve done and expect happy endings, right?” Before Tony can answer, Bucky heads into the kitchen. “I’m going to start dinner. You stayin?”

Tony stands, heading after him. “Might as well, since I’m here and using your own stereotyping against you I’m going to assume your gay ass can cook.”

Bucky chuckles. “Yeah, you’d stereotype right. Hope you like risotto.”

“Jesus, can you get any gayer.” That causes a bark of laughter that Tony likes hearing. Considering everything, he feels like he’s doing okay. All things considered, James Barnes, gay man in the 1940’s was probably terrified of everything and anyone lest they find out, but 2020 James Barnes seems to be comfortable with himself. Now Tony just has to get him to help Steve find that comfort too.

“I’ve been trying to call him for hours, but it keeps going to voicemail and if I have to listen to that message one more time, when I do see him I’m going to smack him.” Nat tosses her phone on the sofa and flops down next to it. 

“Did you talk to Pepper?” Sam doesn’t know how a man like Tony Stark can disappear and no one can find him.

“She said he left this morning, early, saying he had an errand to run.” Something isn’t adding up and just as she’s about to suggest they hijack a satellite to get a read on his car, her phone rings. It’s nearing midnight, so when she sees Tony’s name, she leaps to answer. 

Tony hears the click of connection and before she can say anything he’s talking. “Don’t say anything about it being me.” There’s a hum on the other end. “I know you’re at Steve’s because I can access the drones I have watching him. I don’t want him to know it’s me yet.” He gets a quiet ‘ok’ from the other end. “I need you to find someplace private so we can talk.”

Nat looks up at Sam and Steve, who are hoping for news. “It’s Pepper again, she’s worried and I’m going to talk to her for a little while. Can I use your studio?” Steve nods. The door clicks closed behind her. “Okay, I’m in the other room, but I’m going to have to keep my voice down. Super soldier hearing is a thing.”

“Fair enough. I think you probably figured out at some point today where I went.”

“It took awhile, but when Pepper didn’t know where you were, it started falling into place.” She sits in an armchair in the corner.

“You called my wife? I’m going to have some serious explaining to do.”

“Why didn’t you just call her from the farm?” Nat figures _if_ Steve can hear her, she’ll avoid using Bucky’s name.

“Because he lives like a caveman and tech doesn’t work out there.” There’s a pause. “He didn’t know that Steve and Sharon didn’t get married. And he expected me to kill him while I was there. He has two service dogs, he cooks better than Pepper, and he’s gay. Did you know he was gay?”

“Yeah, I knew. I also know now why he left.” Walking over to the window, she looks out at the city. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to get these two assholes in the same room and see if we can get them to talk. I don’t think Barnes will come back into the city, so we’re going to have to get Steve out here.”

“That won’t be a problem. Something happened last night and Steve isn’t drinking anymore. He’s cleaned up and seems ready to face whatever this is.” There’s a sigh on the other end of the phone.

“I’m on my way over. Right after I call Pepper and fill her in.”

“Drive careful.” The call ends, she sends a quick text to Sam in the other room, and she heads back into the living room.

Steve stands at the edge of the property, looking at the forest surrounding Bucky’s home and wondering for the hundredth time if this was a good idea. He looks around for security, but according to Tony it’s all off grid. Stepping to the gate, he checks for tripwires, finding nothing he opens it. When he steps through, onto the actual property, he pulls out his phone and finds it dead. “Huh.” Going back, he gets in the car he borrowed from Tony and drives through, getting out again to close the gate. Pulling around the thick trees, he sees Bucky’s home and has to stop. Tears fill his eyes. This is not at all what he imagined Bucky’s home would look like. This is better.

Resuming the drive to the main house, the front door opens and Bucky steps out with two large dogs, who bound to the car in excitement. Steve doesn’t hesitate to exit the car, taking in Bucky in black, tight jeans and a white Henley. His feet are bare, except for the sock. The dogs romp over, circling Steve, twisting and turning in excitement. “They won’t bite.”

Kneeling down, Steve gives each of them love and attention. “They’re great, Buck.” Standing, Steve doesn’t make a move to the porch. “I didn’t know if this would be okay, so if you want me to go, I will.” He rubs the back of his neck, hoping that his former friend won’t kick him out.

“Nah, you drove all this way. Come on in and have some coffee.” Tony’s description of the house doesn’t do it justice. Steve freezes after removing his coat.

“Wow.” It’s all warm colors and textures. The dogs follow Bucky into the kitchen and Steve hears him talking to them. Tony didn’t tell him much, but did say they were therapy dogs. Steve’s glad Bucky has them and hopes they’ve helped.

“Everyone’s surprised at what they find. Were you expecting an arsenal too?” Bucky comes over, handing Steve a mug.

“What? No! It’s just…I’ve been living in my apartment for years and it doesn’t have the same homey feel as this. It’s really beautiful. I like the colors you picked.” After indicating the sofa, Steve sits, cradling the mug of coffee. Bucky takes a seat by the window and the dogs lay down at his feet.

“What did Tony tell you?” He needs to know what Steve knows.

“Just where you were and about the dogs. Beyond that he said it wasn’t his story to tell.” Steve looks down at the coffee, studying the swirls of liquid.

“Huh…that’s…surprising.” There’s silence after that and Steve tries to busy himself by drinking the coffee.

Finally, it’s gets to be too much and Steve stands to pace making the dogs lift their heads to watch. “Why didn’t you tell me before that day?” There’s no accusation in the words, it’s an honest question. He needs to understand Bucky’s position and he doesn’t. He’s always felt like he knew the other man better than himself, but all of this has proven to Steve that he doesn’t know a damn thing about his friend and that isn’t something he can wrap his head around.

Bucky’s chuckles, but it’s so self-deprecating. “Well Steve, when we were kids that isn’t something a person talked about unless they wanted to be a target. And it wasn’t just about me, it was about you too. You went looking for fights and this isn’t one that you could have won. Then, when you found me again after Project Insight things were different. I was different and you weren’t seeing it. You were convinced that with enough time, I would become your friend from before. But in between all that, you fell in love with Carter…Peggy, then this whole thing with Sharon happened.” He stops, looking up at Steve. “Which, I’m sorry to say, was very weird. Aunt and niece Steve, I mean really?” Steve has the decency to look embarrassed because, yeah, he sees it now too. At the time, he didn’t think about it and just saw that maybe he could try to build something with a Carter woman that was real. 

“I was a fool. I admit it.” Bucky smirks, but his eyes are guarded as Steve continues. “I wanted something that wasn’t really there. I’m sure she cared about me, but nothing ever clicked into place like I expected it to.” Bucky looks for clarification. “I mean, you know how when you spend a lot of time with someone, you start moving around them…you know…like dancing. Partners that have danced with each other for years can anticipate the other’s move before they make it.” Bucky nods. “I thought at some point we would get there, but we never did.”

“Yeah, but she’s pretty pissed at you from what Tony said.” Steve turns to face the fire and gets lost in the leaping flames for a minute. 

“And she probably will be for awhile, but at some point she’s going to see that we weren’t meant to be.” He turns back to Bucky, looking defeated. “Hell, I had to climb out of a bottle to figure it out.”

“A three month bender is really impressive.” He chuckles, causing Steve to chuckle too.

“Yeah well, you know when I feel sorry for myself; I have to do it big.” That makes Bucky bark a laugh and the dog’s tails start wagging.

“As long as I’ve known you, I don’t remember you ever feeling sorry for yourself. You have always been a fighter.” Bucky leans his head on his hand.

“I just didn’t let you see it. I felt sorry for myself a lot back then. Usually kept it to myself though cause everyone had it tough.” He turns back to the fire, getting lost in the colors.

The silence envelopes the room again. Bucky doesn’t move, so Steve doesn’t either. “What did you come here for, Steve? What is it you hope will happen?”

Steve doesn’t turn because he knows he can’t say what he really wants from this. He knows he can’t come right out and tell his former friend what he feels. Giving a non-committal shrug, he keeps his eyes where they are. “I want to be your friend.”

“And my feelings for you? That isn’t going to be a problem?” Steve can hear the honesty in the question and the hope.

“It’s part of who you are. For now. So, it doesn’t change anything.” He finally turns to see Bucky really looking at him. The way he did when he was able to take the time to look at Steve in his new body. After they’d traveled back to camp and Bucky had seen how Carter looked at Steve. Like Bucky was trying to figure out if this new person was really his friend.

Standing, Bucky heads into the kitchen. “Well then, come in here and help me prep dinner.”

By the time dinner is on the table, Steve is amazed at what Bucky’s done. They sit, each with their own iron skillet, filled with thin slices of steak, potatoes, and asparagus. He watched his friend move around the kitchen, instructing Steve every step of the way, but seeming like this has always been his life. Between the home, with its warm, comfortable feel, to the meal that just came together, Steve doesn’t think he knows this man at all. 

Seeing the look, Bucky stops with a bite almost to his mouth. “What?”

There are tears threatening to fall from his eyes and Steve sniffles. “I’m so sorry.”

Bucky places the fork back in the skillet. “For what?” He truly doesn’t understand what’s just happened.

“For not seeing you.”

Bucky quirks a smile. “You see me now. That’s what matters.”

Everything that Steve shared with Father Mike swells, getting almost too big to contain. “Yeah, I do.”

They sit in the living room after the kitchen is cleaned with pints of ice cream. “Do you remember, on your…hell, I can’t remember, but we went to that soda shop and shared the biggest thing we could afford. What was that?” Steve smiles that Bucky remembers something so small and unimportant.

“It was my 11th birthday and ma gave us just enough to get a banana split. You wanted some gawd awful combination, but since it was my birthday, you let me pick.” Bucky snorts a laugh.

“And you ordered what you thought I wanted and it was really bad, Steve. But we ate it anyway because your ma would have tanned our hides if we’d wasted her money.” Steve takes another bite, laughing.

Steve points his spoon at Bucky, eyes wide. “I just figured out what Old Man Lacy meant.”

Bucky snorts again, nearing spitting the bite he just took. “That’s right! I figured it out later that night when I got sicker than a damn alley cat.”

“Oh, I won’t even tell you what happened to me that night.” Bucky pokes him, but Steve shakes his head, blushing. “Not even best friends need to know certain things.” And for the third time Steve hears Bucky snort. Looking up, he sees the absolute joy on his friend’s face and wants to make sure it stays there for as long as possible.

After the ice cream is put away, Bucky takes the dogs out and Steve looks around. There are small trinkets on the shelves and on closer inspection, Steve starts to understand. There’s a small Brooklyn Bridge sculpture, what looked to be a box on the lower shelf turns out to be a record player very similar to the one that Steve’s mom had. There’s a snow globe of Coney Island and tucked into all the books on the shelf, is one, published years after Steve ‘died’ of his drawings and artwork accredited to him of advertisements he did for local businesses.

He needs to leave…now.

Going to where his coat is, the French doors open and the dogs come rushing in. Bucky freezes when he sees Steve getting his coat. “You’re leaving?”

Steve turns to hang the coat back up, taking a deep breath. He hadn’t thought this through. Taking a shuttering breath, he turns back to his friend. “I need to say something to you and I need you to try to understand where I’m coming from.” Bucky nods. “I wasn’t completely honest about why I came here.” Bucky takes a step back and both dogs rush to his side. “See, this is why I didn’t want to say this, but then I was looking around and…Bucky, you’ve filled with place with our memories.”

Bucky looks over at the shelves. “I didn’t even realize I was doing it, then I did. Earlier you said that my feelings wouldn’t be an issue. You added ‘for now’ like you think they’ll go away, but I’ve felt this since we were stupid kids. It was the first thing that came back to me. It isn’t going away, Steve. There’s not going to come a time that I don’t love you like this.”

“Then you need to know…” Steve steps further into the room. “I didn’t marry Sharon because I couldn’t. It wasn’t just that we didn’t fit, it was that you told me that what I’d always wanted…really wanted…was possible.” As he speaks, the words get quieter and quieter, until it’s just a whisper. “I always wanted you. Always loved you.”

“You should probably go. I need to think.” Steve grabs his coat and when he turns back, Bucky is kneeling on the floor, both dogs hugged close.

“I’m sorry.” He leaves and heads back to the city.

The next several weeks see Christmas and New Year’s come and go. Steve doesn’t really know what to do with himself, so he ends up in the park most days, sketching anything and everything around him. Sometimes, at night, when he can’t sleep, he paints, but everything comes out in shades of blue and green. Sam comes by, asking him what happened, but Steve doesn’t know where to start.

He ends up rambling for a time and after it’s all out, he makes a point to tell Sam that he hadn’t meant to say anything about his feelings. He meant to keep that to himself until their friendship was back on track, but it had come out after seeing all the small things that Bucky keeps around to remind himself of their childhood together.

“Sometimes Steve, we say things that we don’t mean to say in the moment, but now it’s out there.” Sam watches his friend sink further into himself. “Steve, you know you can’t go back to the bottle, right?”

Steve nods. “I know. And I don’t want that. I just wish I knew how bad this is.”

“You can’t push this. He told you he needs to think. You can’t rush someone just to make your life easier.” They talk for a little longer, but when Sam’s phone goes off, he has to leave.

Steve needs something to fill his days as January bleeds into February. With the help of Pepper, he sets up a freelance business. He’s been thinking about it for years, but with nothing in his life, he decides that now it’s what he wants. He works from his home and it allows him to take what he wants and turn down the jobs that are obviously people just wanting something done by former Captain America. 

On a cool March morning, Steve finds himself in Prospect Park, sitting on a bench near a tree. It isn’t unlike all the other trees, but this one, even though it’s big now, not like when they were kids, this tree is special. This is the tree where Steve was getting his ass handed to him by three older boys and Bucky had jumped in to save him. At the time, Steve was absolutely indignant that someone would butt into his fight, but still…

Steve’s sketching the tree when a shadow falls over the paper. Looking up, shading his eyes from the morning sun, he finds a face he didn’t expect. “Sharon?”

She huffs and rolls her eyes, sitting and looking at the sketch. “You’ve always been talented and I wasn’t very supportive of that.”

Steve looks down at the paper and smiles at the memory. “You just wanted me to live up to my potential.”

She gives a small snort of a laugh. “I think we both know that isn’t what I was doing.” He looks up curious. “You had a reputation to uphold and I pushed you to do that. I didn’t really think about what you might want.”

“Good friends push each other sometimes.” He nudges her shoulder, hoping the move is okay.

“Were we friends?”

“We were, then we thought we could make it something else.” He stares out at nothing, hoping she’s in a place where there can be some understanding.

She doesn’t speak for a long time, just watches the morning unfold. “After you left me in that church,” Steve flushes, embarrassed by his behavior, “I had a lot of time to think. Steve, I don’t even remember how or when or why we moved into a relationship.” He looks over, surprised by her candor. “I’m not sure I even wanted that with you, it just sorta happened.”

He nods. “That’s what I realized after I stopped drinking.”

The chuckle that comes out doesn’t have a negative hint like the last. “People told me that you’d started in on Thor’s mead. I knew it wouldn’t kill you, but part of me wanted you to hurt.”

He leans over, taking her hand. “I wanted me to hurt too for doing that to you.”

She squeezes his hand. “We were both at fault for not stopping something that wasn’t right. I think we’ve both suffered enough, don’t you?”

“Can we be friends again?” He looks up hopeful.

“We can if you tell me what really happened that day.” Steve tells her without hesitation and the more he talks, the wider her eyes get. “Now, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m not sure I have a friend in him anymore. I ruined it.”

She smirks at him. “Oh, you are stupid sometimes.” He meets her smiling face with confusion. “You don’t love someone for a hundred years and get over it. You have to let him process the fact that if the two of you had gotten your heads out of your asses a long time ago, you’d be married by now.”

Steve has the sketch framed after adding some color and on March 8th he takes it to the tower. Pepper assures him that it will get to its destination on time. March 10th dawns, bright and sunny. Steve spends the day thinking about Bucky, wishing he could share this day with him, and deciding that he needs to get out of the house for a little while. He meets Natasha for lunch and they shop after. 

He eats a late dinner at home alone. Going into the office, he checks to see if his current client sent back notes on their commission. What he finds instead is an email. Sitting quickly, he opens it. There’s an attachment, so he clicks to see what Bucky’s sent. The water colour sketch is propped up above Bucky’s fireplace. Steve tears up and goes back to the email.

_Dear Steve,_

_Thank you for the birthday present. I haven’t gotten one in a very long time. I don’t know what made you think of this tree, but I’m glad you did. I know it’s been months since we talked and I’m getting there, but if we’re going to communicate, I think this way is best._

_I don’t have tech at home, so I have to leave the property to send or receive. If you don’t get anything from me immediately, that’s why. Let’s start here and see where it takes us._

_Please don’t push me for something I can’t do right now, so no asking to come see me, no asking if I’ll come there, and no talk of things I can’t deal with right now. I hammered those conditions out with my therapist and she approves._

_How are you, Steve?_

_Thanks again,_

_Bucky_

Steve smiles at the screen, delighted that Bucky liked the sketch, but also that Bucky wants to talk. If email is what makes him comfortable, then that’s what Steve will do. Hitting reply, he starts typing.

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’m so glad you liked the sketch. I did it in pencil then went home and added the colour to it. They have these things now, Buck, called water colour pencils. I’ve never seen anything like them. They give the same effect as actual painting._

_I started a business. I do commission as a free lance artist. Some of it is graphic design other stuff is sketching or painting. I’ve had to chase off a few potential clients because they just wanted a Captain America original. I’ve been having fun with it._

_I’m doing okay. At the beginning of March I ran into Sharon. We talked and talked about the fact that neither of us even remember how we got to the point of thinking we wanted to get married. It’s confusing that people can get so caught up in what’s expected that they don’t really think it through. Anyway, we’re friends again and it’s nice._

_How are you, Bucky? Really? How are the dogs?_

_Take care of yourself,_

_Steve_

Every night Steve checks his email, but for a week nothing comes. He finishes one commission and starts another. He goes to dinner with Sam, Nat, and Tony. They talk about everything except what they all really want to know. Nat tries to hint at it during dinner, but Sam elbows her. She glares, but doesn’t do it again.

Tony has enough of the blackout on certain topics and heads to Vermont at the beginning of April. Most of the last hour, he’s on the phone with Natasha. “Listen Spider Queen, we thought Cap coming up here was a good plan, but something else happened and if my visit last time helped and got them together…”

“Tony! If you would stop talking long enough to hear someone else, you’d know that I support this decision. My god you like to hear your own voice.” There’s a huff and Tony can just imagine the look on her face. He’s seen it many times and it usually involves an eye roll.

“Well I’m usually the one making the most sense so why wouldn’t I keep talking.” He’s smirking and he knows that she knows.

“Because the rest of us want to strangle you when you do.” She’s laughing and Tony joins in. “Someone needs to find out what happen. Steve won’t tell us and you did get Barnes to talk last time.”

“I’m almost there. I’ll call when I head back.” Hanging up, Tony gets out to open the gate.

Barnes is standing on a porch this time, waiting. It makes Tony wonder if he has some kind of surveillance that the billionaire hasn’t picked up on or if he’s just that good. “Stark, I’m going to start thinking you like me if you keep showing up here.”

“What can I say; you make better coffee than me.” The dogs come to say hi and Tony can’t help giving them a scratch.

“It’s a good thing I just put some on then.” After they’ve fixed a mug and settled in the living room, Tony takes a look around.

“That’s new.” He points at the sketch leaning on the mantle. “It looks like,” He goes to get a closer look. “Well look at that, it is a Steve Rogers original. The subject isn’t really my cup of tea or in this case, mug of coffee, but it’s interesting.”

“Did you come here to critique my art or do you have something else to say?” Tony sits again and Bucky watches him closely.

“I came because I thought when I told Rogers where you would be, he’d come up here and everything would be fixed.” Bucky doesn’t flinch because he knows that Tony is trying to read his reactions. “Okay nothing. So, what the hell happened Barnes?”

“He told me he’s in love with me.” Bucky says it so nonchalantly and Tony sputters his coffee. “I needed to regroup.”

Leaning back, Tony puts his arm across the back of the sofa, trying to be at ease, but it doesn’t work and he’s up pacing the living room. He’s mumbling to himself and what Bucky can hear isn’t making any sense. “He comes up, tells you that he’s in love with you, you’re in love with him and no one gets naked.” He turns on Bucky, pointing at him. “You like drama. That’s what this boils down to.”

Bucky barks out a laugh. “No, I like simple. And you of all people accusing me of liking drama is irony at its finest.” Barnes takes a minute to figure out what he’s going to say. “I accepted that I was in love with Steve a long time ago, but I saw him fall for Peggy. I come back and know that I’m still in love with Steve and I know it’s just a simple truth. But he starts a relationship with Sharon. I accept that I’m going to feel this way about him, but it still hurts. Then I have to watch him walk down the aisle and marry her and it stopped being simple.” The dogs come over, laying their heads in Bucky’s lap. He’s getting stressed. “He comes here and tells me he wants to be my friend and when I get really comfortable, he suddenly tells me he loves me.” The dogs whine and Bucky takes a deep breath. “Tell me Stark, how am I supposed to believe that he loves me when I’ve seen him in love before?”

Tony smiles softly. “Because he didn’t marry her and maybe what you saw wasn’t love. Maybe it was desperation that he could learn to love them.”

Bucky spends another couple of weeks emailing back and forth with Steve. He’s been checking daily just off the property line. Today, he finds that Steve has responded and there’s a giddy feeling that he really isn’t used to having.

_Dear Bucky,_

_I’m sorry that Tony came to you again. I wish they would leave you alone, so you can just take care of yourself. He did tell me that he goes to see you for your coffee. I can agree with that because your coffee is better than anything I can get around here._

_I didn’t get the chance to tell you how much I enjoyed dinner the night I was there. Watching you move around the kitchen was new. We were such bad cooks back in our day, but watching you that night was like watching a musician. When did you learn to cook like that? Have you always been able to and we just didn’t have good ingredients or is it something you learned after? Anyway, it was the best meal I’ve had since waking up._

_I’m doing a commission I think you’d like. A new company in Brooklyn wants the outside of the building painted with a mural. They left the planning up to me, but really liked what I came up with. It won’t be finished for a couple more weeks, but I really like how it’s turning out. I’d really like for you to see it, so when I’m done I’ll send you a couple of pictures._

_I know we’re not supposed to get too personal in these emails, but I miss you, Buck. I miss talking to you and watching you get excited about something. I miss sharing ice cream with you. I just miss you. I guess that makes me sound pathetic, but there it is._

_Take care of yourself, Bucky,_

_Steve_

Bucky sits in the grass and starts typing. He doesn’t censor himself like he normally does because they agreed to keep the emails friendly until Bucky could get his shit together. Maybe it isn’t about getting his shit together; maybe it’s about taking a leap of faith.

_Dear Steve,_

_I miss you too and if you weren’t in the middle of that commission I’d invite you up on Sunday for dinner. It wasn’t about ingredients back then, it was about we didn’t know our asses from a stock pot. I learned all of this after coming back and knowing what I wanted out of life. With or without you there, I wanted to accept myself and all of the things I’ve always wanted._

_I went through design magazines to figure out what I wanted my home to be. I took cooking classes and started watching YouTube videos to learn how to cook. I took myself off the grid after leaving you that day at the church because I needed to build my life._

_I think I forgot something really important though. I forgot that you are part of my life. Hell Steve, you are my life and have been since I can remember._

_Yours (if you want me)_

_Bucky_

Steve comes down off the scaffolding, getting a drink and looking at what he’s accomplished. His phone dings with a notification, pulling it out he sees it’s from Bucky. Smiling, he opens the email and starts reading. By the time he’s at the end, his vision is blurred from tears. He reads it through again, just to be sure he’s not misunderstanding it. Then he looks around, trying to figure out how to leave with all of his supplies spread around.

“Some man with a plan you are.” He runs inside the building to the receptionist. “Kelly, I have to go. It’s really important, but someone will come and clean up outside.” She’s nodding as fast as he’s talking and doesn’t have time to reply when he sprints from the building. He jumps in the old truck that Tony lent him. God only knows why Tony has an old beat up truck. He presses a few buttons and listens to the ringing.

“Rogers, what could you possibly want? You saw me at breakfast.” Nat always sound put out, but never actually feels that way.

“Nat, I have to go. I need…the supplies…it’s…” He’s coming out of his skin he’s so anxious.

“Whoa there, take a deep breath and tell me what’s happened.”

Steve does as he’s told, breathing deep and lining up his thoughts. “I got an email from Bucky. I need to see him, like now. All of my supplies are still on the scaffold and street. Can you get someone to clean all of it up?”

There’s a chuckle. “It’s about damn time. Yeah, don’t even worry about it, Steve. I’ll take care of it.”

“Thanks Nat.” Whether it’s an odd time of day or the fates are on Steve’s side, finally, the trip out of the city isn’t bad. Once he’s on the open road, Steve feels a lot better. He can’t call Bucky to let him know. All he can really think about is getting to a man that he should have trusted, a man that stood by him even when it hurt, a man that protected him in every situation. A man that compliments every part of who Steve is.

Closing the gate, Steve drives through the trees until he sees the cabin. Stopping at the tree line, he sees Bucky look up from where he’s playing with the dogs. He pulls slowly up to park and climbs out of the truck. “Did you mean it?” Steve can’t help if the hope shines on his face.

Bucky smiles gently. “I never say anything I don’t mean.” Steve rushes to him, crushing him in a hug and burying his face in Bucky’s neck. “Did you get my email and drop everything?”

Steve leans away, tears gathering in his eyes. “Yeah…yeah that’s exactly what I did.”

“Careful Rogers, I’m going to think you love me.”

Steve reaches up, brushing a stray hair behind Bucky’s ear then caressing the man’s face. “I do love you. More than words can express. I’m yours too, if you want me.”

Six Months Later

There’s a whimper from the side of the bed and he’s pretty sure he feels something walking up his body. Cracking an eye, Maxi and Charlie have their heads rested on the side of the bed, looking up with sad puppy eyes and just as he’s about to turn his head, Alpine rubs against his chin. “I’m going to assume this is your not so subtle way of telling me you want breakfast.” Alpines purr is joined by quiet whines from the boys.

“Do I get breakfast too?” Steve leans up, kissing across Bucky’s shoulder.

“You keep doing that, buddy and no one is getting breakfast.” Steve chuckles, but doesn’t stop. Just as he’s about to roll Bucky onto his back, the phone rings. He groans and throws himself back on his pillow.

“You see there, _that’s_ why I didn’t want tech up here!” Bucky sits up, grabbing Steve’s phone from the side table. Seeing the name, he hands it over. “Nope, I am not awake enough to deal with Tony this morning.” Getting up as Steve answers the phone, he hears his husband choke. Turning around, he winks and sways his hips just a little more than necessary on the way out of the room.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Steve tries not to think about his naked husband in the kitchen. “Tony, this better be really important because Bucky is naked and I need to do something about that.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa there Cap…I do not need to know the sordid details of your sex life.” Steve laughs. “I just wanted to remind you that we’re coming up this afternoon and staying for three days or so. Barring an Avengers emergency.”

Bucky comes back in, leaning on the door frame, grinning as Steve loses his train of thought again. “Uh…sure…yeah…”

He hears Tony huff on the other end of the phone. “He walked back in the room again, didn’t he?”

“Uh…yeah…I gotta go. See you later today.” Steve ends the call, throwing the phone on the bed and knee walks to the end of the bed. “Come here.”

Bucky walks into open arms, letting Steve lavish kisses on his chest and collar bone. Steve looks up, and Bucky cradles his face in his hands. “Do you love me?”

Steve leans up, kissing Bucky with everything he’s feeling. “Come back to bed and let me show you how much.”


End file.
